one week ago..i am feeling shitty now..i am damn slack..guess its all the stress has taken place...i dun even feel like doing anyting. though tings seem to be over....but sumwhere in the corner of my heart i feel that it is not over yet...its not...its just waiting for the rite time to burst...i pray that it will not burst though. went to church today...i feel that i miss those kind of feeling that i used to have...free of all worry and cruelity of life...i dunno...i dun feel like growing up.
sometimes when u look at the mirror...have this thought ever wonder to u?
"who is this person standing in front of me? do i noe this person?" weeelll....i have...adn the answer that comes to me is that i dunno this person....who is she? i dreaded looking into mirrors..when i stepped into the church today...i feel relieved...calm...yet...ashamed...ashamed of stray from the path...ashamed of myself not being able to held my head up high in church. where is the past-me...i remember when i was a kid..i always went to sunday school happily...and eagerly...
i am not saying that i am no longer eager...but i feel my shoulders are heavy...guess must be becoz my sins are piiling up..i feel that i am ungrateful...i mean..HE has and always help me again and again...while i continue to close my heart...HE never forsake me...i find my life a total disaster whenever i move away from the path...even with HIM helping me again and again...and blessing me...i closed my heart...i am ashamed of myself.
i often ask myself another question...if one day i really die...will i go to heaven? maybe not at current situation....will i be able to look at HIS face and answer this one question firmly? "do you love me with all ur heart? " i dun tink i will be able to answer that. i DO love HIM but i alwasy strayed thats y i am ashamed of myself...prob i should just go to hell...after all i am a sinner....though bible always sez that HE will forgive those who truly repent...i dunno how to be truly repent...maybe it will takes me all my life to figure that out...but i do hope that at the end of my time..i will be able to answer that question with a confident and happy YES!
well...thats all for today..i am just talking to myself...so the entry will prob be messy...but yeah..no need to worry...i am perfectly fine...i will be fine as long as HE is by my side. no matter how hard it is going to be..i wan to go back to be my old self again....and with HIS help....nothing is impossible.
♥
Sunday, November 20, 2005
10:22 AM
man....i have been feeling shitty this whole weekend...although i have spoken to ms. Lim...i was feeling better that nite actually only when i woke up the next morning...i am feeling shitty again...the words keep ringing in my mind.."i will not let the matter rest...i will make sure everyone noez about this!" coming from a normal person...well..i am ok...coming from "him" it kinda sounds freaky. honestly...i am afraid...coz i dunno wat he is going to do...cant really sleep and eat properly these 3 days...i feel sick...each time i rmb those words...i feel sick.. maybe i should go and see a doc.
all my works for monday..is done..but i just feel that it is not prefect yet...so i will keep staring at it...i work and do my hw more often now. i dun wan to tink about those words...so yah...i keep myself busy both with sch work and my part time job. tml is monday...i will take things as it comes....and i will prob need to talk to ms. lim again...i feel sick...maybe i should go a see a counsellor.
i am not feeling very well..so i dun wan to go to sch tml. but i NEED to go to sch tml. maybe i will just faint in sch tml. watch out for my tml yeah gerz...i feel that i am able to collapse anytime soon.
♥
Friday, November 18, 2005
10:29 PM
i am so not looking forward to this sem. i am happy that i am still in the same class with my gerfrens but hell has broken loose. i seem to have lots of bad luck and ppl are showing their true colours. i am sad, dissapointed and hell..pissed.
is trust really that easy to break? use ur brain and tink man...have i ever done the same ting? never...think! u have got a smart brain so use it!
♥
Wednesday, November 16, 2005
10:33 AM
oh yeah!! all of u ppl here must rmb the date 14/11/05! do u noe why? coz thats my unluckiest day on my whole life! i woke up at the wrg side of bed i guess...i got migraine in the morning and i have to go to sch no matter wat...and hell after sch i gt to work at my pet bakery. and worse is yet to come..i am supposed to extend my passport which expired today the next day..so i went looking for my passport at night...and shucks...i cant find it!!!! till today this moment...we have searched the whole hse and find nothing! man....and my bro reaction was just WAY too calm when i told him i cant find the passport. he gave me a deadline till mon...if i cant find it..i will prob go to police station. and thats my doomsday...i bet he is going to explode on sun nite. and..yah...i will REALLY have monday blues then.
secondly...i was cranky yesterday as i cant find my passport...and i am not feeling nice yesterday...and unknowlingly someone had offended me indirectly....so yeah...i tell myself that man...i am going to tolerate man...tolerate is the key. i shall no name names...u guys noe it!
alrite...apologise to anyone who has suffered my crankiness yesterday and thanks for being understanding while i am being cranky. haha...and yes kinah...i update this blog for ur sake. happy? hahaha....and yoda...dun be too sad ok...regarding u noe who.
and to socks and suraiyah...hey...u guys finish exams already not? and suraiyah...it snot i went mia from u ok...its just that u have exams so i dun wan to disturb u guys. hehe... i am just too nice. hahha...hope to see u guys soon. i really miss u bunch of ppl alot! and i hope ur exams are going well. hehe
♥
Monday, November 07, 2005
10:24 PM
alrite. here goes. hello pig. i didnt forget about the 15th month anniversary hor. coz u nv sez anyting also so i tot u prob forgot and yeah...ur email is dated 5 nov hor...so its wrg. haha...u forgot didnt u! anyway...originally dun plan to type u a letter or anyting le...coz u also nv sez anyting....then also seldom call or sms..so yeah..i lazy to type le...but on the account that u call me this morning sacrificing ur slp prob shows that u are learning ur lesson le ba...and trying to pei he now. haha. so yeah here goes.
happy 15th months anniversay yeah(its on 1st nov actually). though u irritate me sumtime...make me sad..make me cry...but i did and do have my share of laughters and care from u also...so let u off on account of that. haha...
it has been like almost 2 months that u went to UK...slowly i am adapting to it lah. good or bad u decide. u better sms more often or call more often..if not when u come back dun cry when i cant recognise u. :p
yup...i have been busy these days due to work, family,frens and sch also...but i didnt use that as an excuse not to sms u so u cant use also *winks* and yeah...becoz of these tings also that i didnt glare up on u..coz these tings are there to keep me occupied while u are too busy to bother with me..hahah...so u should thanks them.
anyway..i miss u lots...things arent the same without u around..the places we went...the tings we do and even the songs we heard...its just diff. so yah..i am putting pressure on u...study hard and graduate fast...hahaha.
hope u have adapted to ur life there btw. that will be all first yeah. will continue again tml ok...
love u much *muackz*
ps: copy paste this as ur letter. hahaha.
♥
10:07 PM
hehehe....today is the first day of sch...everyting is great except i didnt realise that the notes for conveyancing is up last nite..so i went to the lec only with my little notebook. haha..lucky nv really teach much :p ok...after sch...i finally got to eat my seould garden...man..we ate like pig i tell u..then wanted to take pic...BUT yoda hogged the camera *winks* and the lighting for me and kinah not good so cant take. and hell yeah! kinah...got an iPod mini too!!! hahaha...now i can exchange with her. :p
anyway..we end up going to the century toilet again to take pictures. hahaha...then of cse we went arcade!! ok...the arcade now left only one side...the other side dun have already...then got new machine racing car...hard to control man. haha.
then as usual we played the ddr...and as usual yoda is as violent as b4. ok. thats all for today.haha. typing another entry just for that PIG.
♥
Saturday, November 05, 2005
2:58 PM
i'm LOVING it. hahaha..i was damn happy that we didnt have any change of class this time..i wonder why i guess they must be too busy with this long public holiday to be bothered about changing of class. yay! this will mean that i am still in the same class as kinah, yoda, sabeena and the ever-so-smart henry. hahaha....hope we will be in the same grp again. yeah ppl? haha. on top of this...i am prob in the same cds (i got sociology this time) class as sue HO and kinah and sabeena is taking the same cds as me. haha...i prob will ask for a change of class to put the cds class together with kinah in the morning. haha...anyway..that will conclude my talk about sch...i am going back to sch on monday! and i feel that it will be a great sem ahead!
ok...back to talking about feelings. havnt been talking much to eric lately not even sms i guess. prob the time and situation just put a strain to everyting i guess...and yeah...the weird ting is..i am feeling alrite. i dunno why...maybe i am used to it? hm...*wondering*
oh ya...lately it seems that those in relationships are all having a rough patch...well...one ting we got to admit is...things will of cse be diff compared to when u are just in courting stage where u will be treated as a queen. hahaha. anyway...my suggestion is try to take things in ur stride i guess..i wouldnt wan to torture myself for somebody else...hello? if he cant be bothered with u. why should we rite? gerz have pride and life on their own also.
hm...these days i seem to be ignoring my phone alot. haha. last time i will put my phone in my pocket..wherever i go (at home yeah) now...my phone is just lying useless in my drawer unless i can bring my butt to check any msgs, haha...so if i nv reply ur msg or u find it hard to contact me...well...its becoz i dun hav my phone with me yeah. :p
ps: to all my dear frens who are taking A lvl..dun feel guilty about ignoring me due to ur exams...after the exams i will claim it back from u guys. *evil laugh* so yah...just concentrate and do ya best ok ppl!!! dun let me down..i hope to see u guys back in uni!
♥
Thursday, November 03, 2005
8:43 PM
alrite...been neglecting my blog due to my stupid modem again. this entry will be a quick one and a summary of all lost days. haha.. alrite. i have been busy with work and going out with frens i am no longer as bored as before...haha...anyway...just had a dog show event last sunday.the sales was not bad and the dogs there are all super cute!!! and gt damn fat dogs also. ahah. ok....havnt been talking to eric much since he is quite busy anyway...so yeah...i am alrite. i still got my gerfrens anyway. and yeah...stupid sch is going to reopen on monday...and the stupid timetable will only be out on the 4th november????!! man..thats is super slow. i am anxious to noe who will be in my class and who are my tutors anyway. haha..
oh ya...just went out with kinah and yoda last week...alrite..though i cant get to eat my seould garden (ok..my bad...I should have checked) haha...it was a great day.hehe.. and yeah...i looked great in all the pics i took that day. :p btw kinah and yoda...u both owe me my photos!! stop hogging them. u too paulus!!!
right now..my parents are here and my grandma (maternal) is coming tonite also...so yeah...i will be busy as hell...work...school...frens...family...am i not a very busy ger? haha. so tis will means that i have to cut down on my online status...so if u guys are looking for me...my HP is always with me. alrite...my resolution for this semester...I AM GOING TO BE A NERD!!!!! hahaha. cool huh?
alrite..i gtg now..will prob update when i got the chance to again. i miss u ppl!!!!!
