one week ago..i am feeling shitty now..i am damn slack..guess its all the stress has taken place...i dun even feel like doing anyting. though tings seem to be over....but sumwhere in the corner of my heart i feel that it is not over yet...its not...its just waiting for the rite time to burst...i pray that it will not burst though. went to church today...i feel that i miss those kind of feeling that i used to have...free of all worry and cruelity of life...i dunno...i dun feel like growing up.
sometimes when u look at the mirror...have this thought ever wonder to u?
"who is this person standing in front of me? do i noe this person?" weeelll....i have...adn the answer that comes to me is that i dunno this person....who is she? i dreaded looking into mirrors..when i stepped into the church today...i feel relieved...calm...yet...ashamed...ashamed of stray from the path...ashamed of myself not being able to held my head up high in church. where is the past-me...i remember when i was a kid..i always went to sunday school happily...and eagerly...
i am not saying that i am no longer eager...but i feel my shoulders are heavy...guess must be becoz my sins are piiling up..i feel that i am ungrateful...i mean..HE has and always help me again and again...while i continue to close my heart...HE never forsake me...i find my life a total disaster whenever i move away from the path...even with HIM helping me again and again...and blessing me...i closed my heart...i am ashamed of myself.
i often ask myself another question...if one day i really die...will i go to heaven? maybe not at current situation....will i be able to look at HIS face and answer this one question firmly? "do you love me with all ur heart? " i dun tink i will be able to answer that. i DO love HIM but i alwasy strayed thats y i am ashamed of myself...prob i should just go to hell...after all i am a sinner....though bible always sez that HE will forgive those who truly repent...i dunno how to be truly repent...maybe it will takes me all my life to figure that out...but i do hope that at the end of my time..i will be able to answer that question with a confident and happy YES!
well...thats all for today..i am just talking to myself...so the entry will prob be messy...but yeah..no need to worry...i am perfectly fine...i will be fine as long as HE is by my side. no matter how hard it is going to be..i wan to go back to be my old self again....and with HIS help....nothing is impossible.
