sometimes i wonder whether wat i did was wrong..if i hadnt sez anyting...the scene need not be seen by her. and she wunt remember.
i took me 2 hrs of crying to realise that. i am mad at myself not him. i am venting my anger
by sezing stuff about him. if i hadnt told her...will she be happier? that she need not be stabbed in the heart directly? maybe wat teong sez is true. i should just kept quiet. i realise i hate him but i hate myself even more. maybe watever i was doing was just to avoid the reality that i am the one that makes her sad? sometimes i feel ashamed to see her.
isnt it an irony. i am the one that causes my best gerfren to be heartbroken. not him. its me. i dunno if she blame me...maybe she doesnt. but i do. i woke up tis morning...hating myself and tell myself to fuck off first before i started hating him again. he is just my scapegoat to make myself feel better. am i not rite?
i dunno how to sez wat i am feeling now. but the scene where she just walk away crying....with her back facing me...anger starts to accumulate in me. i thought its the anger towards him. but no. now i realise it was actualy anger towards myself. i vent my frustration on him coz he is the appeared jerk. all the while i was scolding him...the more i scold...the more i hate myself.
there is tis bundle of frustrations inside me that i need to gush out. last nite when i was at the swimming pool...i look at the water...i just wan to go inside and just held my head underwater. so that my tears will just flow freely. she has a scene that she cant forget...i have the scene that i cant forget also.
i am sorry that i caused u to be sad
i am sorry that i am being an ass
i am sorry that i am useless
i am sorry that i brought u misery
i am sorry i break ur heart
i am sorry for everyting.
pardon me for the words i used just now. i noe it breaks ur heart too when i was bitching about him..i promise u i wont ever again. maybe i shouldnt go on sat. maybe i shouldnt meet u ever again.
i wanna go somewhere where i can be alone. and how i wish hotdog is with me now. i miss him...i need him now..why the hell do u need to go england for! haiz...
i am laughing but i am not exactly laughing how can i laugh when i am the one that caused her sadness?..i feel empty and everyting pisses me off. i need to study...but i cant. nothing can go inside my mind. i wanna go beach...cycle and just cycle till i reach a place that i can no longer feel sadness, bitterness and just forget about this world. i hate myself for being an ass i am now.
i dun wan ppl to ask me how i am...i dun wan ppl to tell me i am not wrong..coz morally yes...wat i did was correct...but the obstacles is myself. put urself in my shoes..will u like urself if u are the one who caused ur best fren's sadness? wat i need is a place for me to cry.
this year is the worst valentine ever. not becoz i have no dates. i am thankful kinah is there. i really am..but yeah..its the day that i hate myself to the stage where i dun wanna be left alone coz i dunno wat i will be doing or thinking.
